They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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