Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
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I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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