I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
