a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
