you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I met the friendliest cop last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
