I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
