I hate all girls vehemently.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
