if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
