Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
