I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
