So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
