she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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