Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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