I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
