I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.