Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
