I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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