I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
