i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
