My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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