k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
