And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
