Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
