You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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