Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Mom said you looked used
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
