I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
