I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
