Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
