oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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