he was CRYING into my vagina
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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