Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
