either way he was missing a nipple.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
