When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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