Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
