dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
