70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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