I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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