youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
