sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
