Your mouth is God's brothel.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
