Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
