College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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