I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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