i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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