allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
