She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
