I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
