my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
