dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wish I only lived at night.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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