I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
