Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
