so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
