Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i think i have two assholes
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
