i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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