I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
