I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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