An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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