I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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