Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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